Permission to Feel

“There is a magnificent, beautiful, wonderful painting in front of you! It is intricate, detailed, a painstaking labor of devotion and love! The colors are like no other, they swim and leap, they trickle and embellish! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the small fly which as landed on it! Why do you do such a thing?” C. JoyBell C.

I have now had 3 surgeries in the last three years, I will call it my labor of love.

Two back to back C- sections within 18 months and recently umbilical hernia repair surgery; my girls are 3 and 21 months.

Before becoming a Mama I was what you called an independent woman with something to prove. Working hard was my middle name and achievement was my goal.

I was not the kind of women who would ask for help, in fact I was the friend called on to give advice and to lend a hand. This was a role that came naturally to me as I watched my Mom do and still do it.

So what happens when a type-a, independent, “I can rule the world”, women becomes a Mama of 2 in less than 2 years…

Well for a while she holds it together but slowly she starts to break..

She manages to run multiple businesses and take care of her girls while her husband, a police officer, works the night shift which leaves her eating alone and taking care of herself, the house and her daughters for 12 hours straight 5-6 days a week…

Her role as a wife and mother are satisfying to her but she quietly cries out for someone to see her and understand that while she wants and needs help, she “can’t” ask for it.

I reluctantly headed into my recent surgery to close the hole in my stomach left by my two beautiful babies because I knew I couldn’t do this alone.

  • I worried about the burden this would create for my husband who would have to take over.
  • I made lists of the things that I would still be able to do wanting to do “my-part” so I wouldn’t feel useless.
  • I secretly cried over the fear that my girls wouldn’t understand that Mama couldn’t pick them up and play with them, I didn’t want them to feel unloved.

But then I did something I have never done, I said “OK”!

I said, “OK” when the beautiful mothers in my MOPS group offered to make meals for my family as I recovered.

I said, “OK” when the mothers from my daughters preschool class offered to take the girls on playdates.

I said “OK” and meant it when mothers near and far told me to reach out if I needed help.

Motherhood is not a competitive sport that is meant to be won and you miss so much when you isolate yourself shouting ” I got it” from your island.

I have decided to give myself permission to feel sad, afraid, guilty, discouraged along with many other emotions knowing that I have a team of Mama’s around to comfort, support and fill in the gaps for me.

So, I’m going to own my story- all of it and love myself through it all knowing I don’t have to fight this particular battle alone!

Thank you to all who make up the village that surrounds me. My tribe is amazing!